It seems rather unscrupulous and hard to get into, but it is pertinent to know general funeral and Shinto funeral etiquette. Even if you are not mentally prepared, sad departures happen suddenly. Calmly say your farewells to the deceased calmly, and brush up on your etiquette so you are not impolite.
Basic flow of a funeral
1. Receive news of a death
2. Sudden condolence call
Buddhist
3. Wake
4. Funeral/Farewell ceremony
Shintoist
3. Ritual wake
4. Sojosai (grave-side rites)
1. Receive news of a death
When you receive news of a death, keeping the family’s feelings in mind, politely offer your condolences. Be sure to check below:
Things to double check when you get a notice of a death
- Who is the deceased?
- The relationship between the chief mourner and the deceased.
- Time and place of venue
- Denomination
- Chief mourner
2. Sudden condolence call
A sudden condolence call is when you visit the deceased’s family before the wake or ritual wake, offer your condolences and then also offer help. Should you go right away? Is it better to decline? It all depends on your relationship with the deceased. Fundamentally, keep in mind ‘sudden condolence calls should be avoided.’ Because you will be a burden to the family members.
When should you go to offer sudden condolences?
Blood relatives, friends who are like family, neighbors who you were close with; you should go right away after you have received a notice of death. With relatives you are less close with, be sure to make your decision after you check with parents or relatives. Once at the entrance, offer your condolences and your willingness to help, to the family. If your request is declined, leave after letting them know ‘you will return at the wake’. Even if help is not needed locally, it might be best to undertake the liaison role to let other friends know as well. If you are in the hospital or on extended leave and are unable to go, be sure to get an alternate to help out instead.
When to decline the sudden condolence call?
When the relatives are hesitant to take part, acqaintances you aren’t that close with, or when family of co-workers have passed, restrain from taking part in the sudden condolence call. For relatives who live far away, relay the date you will pay respects, and try and go as soon as you can.
3. Buddhist ‘Wake’
A wake is a ritual ceremony that lasts all night where relatives and close friends nestle close to the deceased’s spirit and reluctantly have to part with it. Previously it was done with just close relatives, but recently there are more and more ‘half wakes’ which only last an hour and individuals who want to, pay their respects.
Dinner and drinks after a wake
Dinner and drinks after a wake is when the mourners are entertained by food and drink after the wake. It has the meaning of a memorial service or purification of the deceased, along with giving thanks to the mourners who have come to pay their respects. If you are invited to this event, try and attend and always be sure to eat some of the food. It is proper etiquette to not stay too long.
4. Buddhist ‘Funeral/ Farewell Ceremony’
The funeral is a ritual ceremony to send the deceased to the Land of Happiness. The farewell ceremony is the final farewell between the deceased and the people who were close to him/her. Originally they were two different ritual ceremonies, but more recently it is becoming more common for both the funeral and farewell ceremony to happen at the same time.
Burning of incense
Buddhist attendees burn incense before one’s departed spirit to mourn the dead. The order is determined by the degree of closeness between the deceased and the living; the closer ones go first.
How to burn incense
- When it is your turn, lightly bow to the person who is next and head towards the altar.
- In front of the altar, bow once to the relatives and the priest, then bow once to the photograph of the deceased.
- Pinch the incense with your thumb, index finger and middle finger of your right hand, and bring it up to eye level as a token of respect.
- Gently sprinkle the incense on the incense burner.
- Join your hands in prayer towards the photograph of the deceased and pray for the repose of the deceased’s soul.
Depending on the denomination, the times you put incense on the flame (2-4 times) differs. Copy the person in front of you if you are unsure of what to do.
3. Shintoist ‘Ritual wake’
A ritual wake is a wake done in the Shinto religion. The Shinto funeral ceremony takes place at the home or at a funeral home.
Chozu Ceremony
The chozu ceremony is where all attendees cleanse themselves before the ritual wake.
How to do the chozu ceremony
- With a ladle, cleanse the left hand and then the right hand.
- With the left hand, cleanse the mouth.
- Wipe your hands with a fine paper.
4. Shintoist ‘Sojosai Ceremony’
The Sojosai (grave-site rites) ceremony is the funeral/farewell ceremony of the Shinto religion, and is done the day after the ritual wake. In Shintoism, the ceremony is not to see the deceased off to the Land of Happiness, but for them to remain and become the guardian diety of the house.
Tamagushi-hoten
Tamagushi-hoten is a ceremony that prays for the peace of the deceased by offering a tamagushi. A tamagushi is a branch of the sacred Sakaki tree with a zigzagged white stripe of paper streamer attached.
How to do the tamagushi-hoten
- Bow once to the master of the ceremony.
- Receive the tamagushi by holding the base with your right hand and supporting the tip of the branch with your left hand.
- Bring the tamagushi up to eye level.
- Turn the tamagushi clockwise so that the base of the tamagushi is facing you.
- Move your left hand so that you can switch your hands.
- Place the tamagushi so that the base faces the altar.
- Walk a couple steps back.
- With hands together, bow twice, clap twice and then bow once.
- Bow once to the family.
It is difficult for first timers, so just copy the person in front of you.
Attire and belongings
Attire appropriate for the sudden condolence call
For the sudden condolence call, it is best to go in everyday wear. Avoid wearing funeral attire since it gives the impression that you were prepared for the death. Even if it is everyday wear, be sure to pick plain pieces of clothing, take off any accessories, and be careful not to wear flashy makeup.
Attire appropriate for the wake/ ritual wake/ funeral/ farewell ceremony/ sojosai
Previously it was said that it was best for attendees to not wear funeral attire at the wake or ritual wake. But now, because there are many people who attend just the wake or ritual wake instead of the funeral/farewell ceremony or sojosai, more people wear funeral attire at the wake or ritual wake. Men should wear a dark blue or gray suit, a white shirt, a black tie and black socks. Women should wear a black or plain colored suit or one-piece dress, black stockings, and choose a non-shiny black bag and shoes. It is not appropriate to wear flashy makeup or perfume. Be especially careful to not wear a double-chained necklace. It has the meaning of ‘piling up of bad luck’ so it is not appropriate.
Rosaries
At a Buddhist style ceremony it is better if you bring a rosary but even if you don’t, it is not considered impolite. At a Shinto style one, it has always been not necessary.
About the obituary gift
The obituary gift is money that is wrapped in a envelope especially made for wrapping the obituary gift in, that is offered to the deceased instead of incense sticks or powder. It is also meant to help the family with sudden expenses that might come up. Bring the obituary gift to the wake/ farewell ceremony or funeral. Most times it is normal to hand it over at the reception, but if there is no reception, leave it at the altar. If you have engagements and you cannot make it to both, be sure to send a telegram so it arrives by the farewell ceremony, along with a letter of condolences and cash by registered mail.
Obituary gift amount
The amount to be included in the obituary gift depends on the degree of closeness with the deceased and their family, along with age or social status, and local customs. It is the general idea that the deeper the relationship, the more money is given. However, an amount that will overwhelm the family should be avoided, so be sure to wrap an amount that is sensible.
Below are estimates:
- Boss, coworker, people who work below you, and their families: 5,000 yen - 10,000 yen
- Clients：5,000 yen – 10,000 yen
- Grandparents: 10,000 yen
- Parents: 100,000 yen
- Brother/sister：30,000 yen
- Relatives: 10,000 yen
- Friends/ their family: 5,000 yen
- Neighbors: 5,000 yen
However, be sure to not enclose amounts that include bad luck numbers such as ’4 (death)’ and ‘9 (suffering)’. If you are not sure about the amount, it is best to ask others. It is fine to offer an obituary gift amount that is about the same as others who were in a similar relationship with the deceased as you.
Obituary gift envelope and cover address
The obituary gift envelope made especially for the obituary gift are usually sold at convenience stores or 100 yen stores. The obituary gift envelope has 2 parts, the outer envelope and the inner envelope. On the front side of the outer envelope above the mizuhiki (decorative Japanese cord made from twisted paper), write the cover address with your name right below, and on the front side of the inner bag, write the amount enclosed, and on the back side your name and address. For the cover address, it is considered etiquette to use a light colored or diluted ink which indicates ‘with tears even the charcoal smears’. What to keep in mind here is, depending on the amount and religious sect, the type of obituary gift envelope and cover address changes.
When wrapping more than 10,000 yen Buddhist style
Use an obituary gift envelope that is black and white or silver and has a mizuhiki. The cover address should say ‘御霊前 goreizen (Offering to the spirit of the deceased)’.
When wrapping 3,000 – 5,000 yen Buddhist style
Use an obituary gift envelope which has a mizuhiki printed, with a ren flower that pops out. The cover address should say ‘御霊前 goreizen’.
Shinto style
With Shinto style, it is not necessary to use different obituary gift envelopes or amounts. Just be sure to choose the obituary gift envelopethat has a white mizuhiki. Don’t use an obituary gift envelope with a ren flower design since that is for the Buddhist style. Writing ’玉串料 otamagushiryo (offering of the branch of the sacred tree)’ is typical for the cover address.
How to wrap the money
Don’t put in crisp new bills since that gives the impression that you were prepared. Prepare some clean bills, put light creases in them and then wrap them. When wrapping the bills, place them so that the portrait is towards the bottom of the inner bag, and the portrait faces the backside.
When you cannot attend either, send a condolence telegram
A condolence telegram is one that is sent when you are not able to attend the ceremonies due to unavoidable circumstances. It is not acceptable to just make a telephone call to offer condolences when the family is overwhelmed. It is proper etiquette to have the telegram sent, at the latest, 3 hours before the farewell ceremony. You can order one by phone or via the internet.
When sending a condolence telegram by phone
When ordering a condolence telegram by phone, call 115. Same day delivery is available if ordered by 7pm. It usually costs about 1,000 to 3,000 yen. Basically the operator will walk you through it so you don’t have to worry. Before making a call, be sure to have the following ready: your name and phone number, the chief mourner’s name, the name of the deceased, the relationship between the chief mourner and the deceased, and the name and address of where to send the telegram. Send the telegram to the venue.
When ordering a condolence telegram on the internet
When ordering a telegram via the internet, there are advantages such as being able to order it 24 hours a day and not getting the spelling of the name wrong.
NTT East Japan「D-MAIL」
NTT West Japan「D-MAIL」
KDDI「Denpoppo」
e-denpo
For-Denpo
EX MAIL
Summary
You could always brush up beforehand but because of subtle differences based on the denomination or the location, you might not know what to do. In that case, just follow what others do. Even if you are a little awkward, your feelings should get through to the deceased and their family. The most important things are the condolences you offer the family and to praying for the deceased’s soul to rest in peace.
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